how did I end up here?

I’m sitting in another random apartment in Cape Town, after a long red-eye flight. my bags didn’t make it, caught somewhere in the in-betweens.  crossed-legged on the floor (as per usual), tangled in a knitted blanket, hugging a warm cup of coffee, I’ve spent the morning pondering a question that comes to mind often.

how did I end up here? 

I thought about it again last week running through the infamous red dirt roads of Iten, Kenya, the holy grail of training grounds for some of the top endurance running athletes in the world.  the same question comes to mind every time I return to Morocco, sitting in awe of another Saharan sunrise or this past may, bikepacking in Spain - taking two weeks for a solo adventure that brought me through hellish temps of multiple Spanish deserts, high in the Sierra Nevada mountains, and blissful solo nights in my tent as I pedalled a 900km circuit in Andalusia.  

this question frequents my mind on the regular.

the thing is, being on the road for the past eight years has brought a range of experiences, places, and encounters that have made me stop in my tracks entirely and wonder how it continues to all come together. 

I have goals, desires, and dreams, but when I think of the wild unfolding of this life, I can’t pinpoint some specific framework that got me to this moment, or a path forward that will bring me to the next. while it’d be nice to have simple answer, instructions, or a structural understanding of how things take shape, life isn’t that simple.  

in makes me think back to 2021, during a brief relationship. I was completely taken back when asked the question ‘what is your 5-10 year plan?’ during a trail run together. the question, though seemingly innocent and curious, dropped a weight on me that I didn’t feel ready to face.  a question coupled with expectations and force.

was I supposed to be thinking that far ahead? where would I want to live? what would be career look like? would I be married? what about kids? do I even want kids? is guiding even a real job? does anyone else have this stuff figured out? am I doing things right?

my initial response felt forced, unsteady, and directed toward what I thought would be the “right” answer.  something about settling down, forward motion in my career, etc, etc.  you know, the good stuff.  but years later, the question still holding it’s weight, I understand, see and ultimately, feel things in a much different light.

instead of some outward projection or ideal of a life well-lived, I’ve come to understand the importance of embodying what a life well-lived means to me. I don’t think about a 5-10 year plan in the sense of what it looks like, but rather what it feels like.  oh and let’s just scratch the numerical timeline altogether?  

I’d rather put my energy towards continually forging a path with a deep-felt sense of deep joy.  one of continual growth. of curiosity and learning.  a life where love and genuine human connection take centre stage.  a life that treads lightly on the earth and is one of intention.  one where my adventurous spirit doesn’t have to be held back.  a life that can feel the thrill in travel and movement, yet feels nourishment in the stillness. a life that isn’t free from pain, but continually builds the capacity to hold challenging emotions and move through it with more grace.   a life that releases the burdens society often places on us to do things in the right way and be present how things feel right in front of me.

releasing the pressure of any 5-10 year plan, I can relax into where I am now, sitting in this city centre Cape Town apartment, coming back to the question of how did I end up here?

I couldn’t have planned for this. this collections of experiences, travels, hardships, serendipitous encounters, areas of growth and unknowns since pedalling away from my old home in calgary back in 2017 (the initial kick-off of this endless string of travels). I truly couldn’t give you a clear answer of how I ended up where I am.

yes, I’ve made conscious choices throughout my life that have lead me to these experiences, but life doesn’t move forward in some linear path.  it’s dynamic, complex, unpredictable, messy and beautiful.  and whether I have an idea of where I want to go, where I’ll be years from now, which direction I’m heading, or how I got to this specific moment, maybe it doesn’t really matter.

because once I started to detachment from the weight those questions pose, I began to feel a true lightness in surrendering to the unknowing. and truthfully, I think that is far more important than trying to have everything figured out.