hitting pause.

 

after four months moving full speed ahead, travelling between five continents, guiding trips, and simply trying to keep up with the demands of it all, I needed a break. not time off between guiding trips where I find myself in a new apartment in a foreign country across the globe like I normally do with my time off - but a full reset. after leading multiple week-long running tours in colombia, morocco, slovenia and croatia, plus fitting in a month-long nepal expedition in the middle of it, all the signs were blatantly clear: I needed rest.

as someone who’s found myself deep in the world of full-time travel and guiding with no home-base, it’s become entirely normal to be navigating new countries, on new trails, exchanging new currencies, refreshing different translations of simple phrases like ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’, and living out of my backpack constantly.

there are so many times I want to pinch myself from all of these travel experiences, feeling so incredibly fortunate and joyful. but there are also many challenges that come with being fully nomadic and trust me when I say it isn’t always as romanticised as social media may show. but in full honesty, it has always felt far easier to move across the world by myself, not knowing a single soul, than it has been for me to commit to staying in one place and settling down for a little while.

and recently I’ve had to ask myself - what is it about the notion of slowing down that causes so much fear? maybe the idea of the ongoing traveller has become a part of my identity and I fear a shift away from that? maybe it’s the expectations placed on me, from either myself or what I perceive from others? maybe it’s the fear of what could come up in the stillness from being in one place versus the everyday distractions that inevitably come with always being on the go.

it’s hard - on one end of the coin, travel fulfils this deep-seated passion for knowledge, understanding and meaning in my life, but on the other end, I’ve pushed myself so far to the point that my body, soul and mind have been singing a continual hum of burn out. my mental health was wearing, I have been working through various physical health challenges, and emotionally, I was feeling numb.

so I decided to hit pause. I got uncomfortable. I very reluctantly cancelled a trip I was supposed to be on right now to come back to canada to visit family, simply pause, and take a deep breath. no set agenda. no plans. no need to do anything while back here. and while I’ve been resting, reconnecting with old friends and family, and slowing down, I’ve found both a softening and a spark within me again.

it feels both scary and messy to share any of this - like opening a wound and rubbing dirt in it. what’s the scariest part? is it a fear that I can’t keep up with this life? judgement from others? that I can’t articular the nuance to any of this fully? the thought of change and the unknown? or this idea that I can’t live up to my own expectations?

maybe it’s everything, all at once.

but the people I look up to most in my life aren’t the people pushing the extremes and always doing the next big thing... it’s the people who are intuitive, know themselves deeply, and can honour their body, mind and soul regardless of external factors and voices.


and while I love my jobs deeply and will still continue to guide and travel quite extensively this year, I’m prioritizing finding a healthy rhythm and balance in both the adventure and stillness of life. and by simply being able to acknowledge where I stand, create some boundaries, and make little changes to better care for myself, I feel a greater sense of ease, clarity and lightness. and all of that has been possible but allowing myself to slow down, be still, and listen.

so while I move forward into another half of a crazy travel year ahead, I’m prioritising the need for more stillness.

xox.

 
 

photo by the ever-talented sarah attar